all I can say is

I haven't been home in more than a month, and these are the things my mother does not know: 1) that I've cut my hair 2) when my internship days are 3) everything

Even if I don't want to keep her in the dark about things, I'm not able. Language. It's tricky.

Been trying to navigate that for a while. Like--arts, academia, and radical organizing. Why does it seem like I can only get two out of the three?

These were musings from nights ago after a lil' bit o' ya know. Also, saw a possum and two skunks in this week alone, and each one of them crossed my path. Literally, they crossed my path.

I've been thinking lately about projection and representation. Right now it's not very clear, but I guess what I'm trying to articulate is: As someone who embodies multiple marginalized identities and thus, a heightened sense of awareness through the engagement of consciously critical efforts and self-education, how do you go about presenting yourself in assorted settings? As in, a poetry class versus a sociology class on urbanization and spatial analyses? As in, the home I've been raised in versus the home I make for myself here? Perhaps I'm imposing a gendered, racialized, sexualized, etc. context to it all, but I think that a part of internalizing identity politics is seeing it through from routine to the most intimate moments in your lives, and whatever you do, you cannot step outside of those lens. You begin to see the questions you ask and the things you say as having larger impacts and implications. I ignored, for example, a request from a person in charge of some alumnae magazine, to hold an interview with me about diversity on campus. If we think about it in context, then yeah, of course I would be suspicious of anything that doesn't specify on the term "diversity" and has a small selection of contacts beside your name which is questionable as to how she got those names in the first place.

Anyway, my housemate and friend asked me about it, and she stated that despite my suspicions, I should have gone and fought adamantly for my perspective to be heard regardless of how this person could have twisted my words (if she would have done so at all). I think, however, that it's such a tokenizing aspect of the school that's really hard to explain unless you are say, a marginalized member of the SLC campus that seems to be heavily involved in assorted campus activities. Because then, I'm sure they will say that they get contacted over and over again for these same things, and that they're never sure what is behind these people's/groups' intentions, etc. Also, why feel compelled to overexert yourself? Why do I need to talk to this woman even though I am fully aware of the possibility of a positive impact this could make? I guess I'm just sick of being the figurehead of do-right or leadership, or just playing the role that many minorities play--which is that often there will be media outlets (and assorted other places/groups/things/blah can't speak) which will seek out some "exceptional" marginalized person to speak on behalf of whichever identity group(s) they represent. It is a way for the person on the other end to quell their own fears that something is seriously fucked up here, or that at the end of the day they've worked towards to putting a bandaid on it. And of course, the other hand says that if we don't commit to this, then our voices will never be heard. Well then shit, isn't it up to these folks behind the camera, the pen, or whatever to spend some extra time looking and asking for more folks to speak? Isn't the idea of having a select group of people speak on diversity in general really fucking problematic?

Let me stop there because I've gone on a tangent. My point is that I don't ever want too much thinking to get in the way of my doing something progressive, but at the same time, I do feel a responsibility to step back and let others take the wheel for a while, and in no way should I feel compelled (due to abilities, prior experiences, assumed interests, etc.) to go out of my way because there's an assumed path I'm taking. I don't know where the fuck I'm going. I just know what I do, and I commit to it for as long as I physically can. Isn't that sufficient?

This rant was brought to you by a burnt out radical. Please give her a fruit or something.