a crab's gotta do what a crab's gotta do

That last entry was stupid. To make amends, I will shame myself by leaving it there.

I leave Thailand pretty soon with about Bt 440 under my belt. If you consider spending about Bt 40 per meal at 3 meals per day... I just might get by.

We're entering the cooler season now. It has rained three times this past week alone... as compared to the once in two months experience we had first coming here. We. Why do I use "we"? Sweetest mangoes now in season. Lychee. Mango stings. Pink fruit with green fuzzy things. Dragonfruit with just a sprinkle of sugar. Papayas! I never liked them. My mother has made me eat them many times before, promising an increase in my bust size. That has not been the case. But I enjoy it now anyway.

On top of this, I will remember the smell of jasmine, hot milk and Isaan beer.

The other day, went by P'Biek's house by the lake. For context, the lake is within the public park in Khon Kaen city. The house is one of several constructed out of found wood and bamboo during the Isaan festival to be taken down some time in June. P'Biek has made one of these houses his home, complete with garden, cooking pit, and all else. I doubt he will leave any time soon, municipality be damned!

I don't agree with East/West dichotomous thought, but he did hit the mark about being controlled by external realities and how co-dependency on external reality to define one's being is destructive. When he says things like that, it makes me want to cry. I've thought rigorously about transnational identity, cross-boundary existences, and etc. till my head can burst... any time someone outside of American discourse on subjects of identity says, "Where's your faith in your ancestral land?" I can't help but think how far and yet how little I've gone since my first year, my first class in Asian American studies, an introduction into god knows what discourses on identity relations... because who else would understand unless they've been in your shoes, born the same second generation, anxious and flustered. When someone, anyone insinuates that there has been no effort, no trial, only abandon, I fall into silence; don't answer.

I've strayed from the main topic at hand. A bit of anxiety about re-assimilating myself into American society.

Anyway, so P'Biek hacks at a tree, and asks, "What happens if I hack into a tree like this?" The bark grows back. He hits it again. "And the second time?" It'll grow back with lesson learned. It'll grow stronger. "This is the way humans work".

If that is the case, then there is hope. P'Biek's suggestion? Seek out spirituality. I'm going to try that. If that doesn't work, then life as a hermit sounds peachy.